Online Dating – How Can This be my Life?
Loudoun Loathe
I have generally had a difficult time making meaningful (or even not so meaningful) connections in the realm of dating in LoCo. Historically, I have been a serial monogamist. However, each time a relationship ends, I like to go through a period of…let’s call it wiping the slate clean. I leave that situation with a list of “hard Nos” and walk away with zero emotional attachment to the problem. While this isn’t typical female behavior in my experience, I really enjoy this about myself and find it very freeing. There is no agonizing pining away, mental energy wasting, or rehashing what happened. When I’m done, I’m all done. The switch has been flipped and you’re pretty much dead to me. Then I have a little phase where I may or may not make some poor decisions and have a little too much fun before I settle down again. Now that I’m a single mom and let’s face it way too old for that in my 40s, I find myself in unchartered waters.
I find most of the people in this area to be vapid, self-centered, superficial, ego driven, and strength of character is severely lacking. Thankfully, I’ve met a handful of fun, genuine people over the last several years that make my life tolerable here. But, let’s face it, you find what you’d expect in one of the most expensive places in the nation. Despite meeting a lot of men in a wide variety of settings over the years, I can’t think of a single person that I’ve met that I even want to have a conversation with let alone sit with them at a restaurant trying to pretend to be interested in their gym schedule or their selfies. At this point, I’d really be happy with just anyone I’m physically attracted to since the mental connection seems to be truly impossible in this area. No, this hasn’t happened either.
After much coaxing, I finally succumbed to the peer pressure of online/app dating. I have friends who have had much success in the area on these platforms. Some have found their spouses, others find a lot of dates. I was thinking traditional face to face meetings haven’t worked for me so why not give them a try. This is how busy professionals seem to do this now, right?
Now entering my life – Bumble, Match, Tinder
Bumble – I joined this app initially because I enjoy that no men can contact you on the app. If there’s a mutual match, only the female can initiate contact. The men “seem” to be a teeny bit less horrifying than other sites. But, this is a stretch. After taking looks at the male view on Bumble on several guy’s phones, I have seen that the dating pool of women is pretty much extraordinary compared to the available men. So I just assume that the 1:100 guys that I’d swipe right on probably have 100 messages from women.
Match – I like that you can fill out a lot of detail and know a lot about someone. The problem is that you can’t read many of the messages unless you pay. I currently have over 300 messages on there that I’ll never see. I am also a 93% match with my ex husband’s brother so that’s a real mind fuck. There are ways for you to get free messages on there and for some reason, all of these messages are from geriatric men who look like morticians. Apparently, I have a type on Match.
Tinder – Now this is a fascinating shit show. If for no other reason than pure entertainment, you may want to check it out. The guys are very gross and the swipe right rate is around 1:200. Then the messages you get from the guys are pure filth. I have decided that men are just using the law of averages and sending the same gross message to 100 women and likely 1 will respond to their advances and that’s all they need.
Talk about an unbelievable waste of time and energy! I can literally spend an hour straight swiping left on people and later do it some more. You can think to yourself how can there be this many losers online in this town? Then I remember that I am also on there so there HAS to be someone sort of normal, right? RIGHT?! Or maybe I’m just also a loser, which is entirely possible. Then something really intriguing happens. You start doing this in the company of others like it’s normal. Friends sit together at a bar or restaurant looking at the apps together and swiping. My friend and I met two guys at a bar and we all sat there swiping and analyzing each other’s profiles and looking at the other gender’s view. What the fuck are we doing? Hey, I know, how about just talk to EACH OTHER at the bar?! Aside from seeing the same people with the same photos over and over again across different platforms, there are some other similarities that I find fascinating from a social perspective.
Typical Dating Profile Standards = Swipe Left
- Look at me and children – kids love me. Can everyone just please stop putting photos of themselves with children online? Aside from obvious security red flags all over the place, why do you think this makes you more dateable? Oh look at me with all of my nieces and nephews, I’m so cute. Or even worse in my opinion are all the photos of people with their own children. Child props trying to get ass is just gross!
- Look at me with my giant dog – Although this is another prop tactic, this actually does help me automatically rule someone out so I guess it’s not a huge negative.
- Look at me and all the exotic places I’ve traveled. I’m so cool and worldly. When did everyone in the area go to Macchu Picchu? Was there a special tour from DC that I didn’t know about?
- Look at me at the gym. I’m so fit and focused on working out that I carry my phone with me to snap photos.
- Look at me and my wife. I’m fine with people doing whatever they want to make themselves happy in their marriages. I’m just shocked at the number of people publicly looking for 3rds in this area!
- Look at my no photo photo. What is with the people who put no photos at all, photos of just their torso in a suit, just their torso naked, or random photos of a ceiling or carpet? Is there a single person swiping on them? What’s the point?
- Look at me and my mom. Ummm why the fuck would you put a photo of you and your mom on Tinder where you’re trying to hook up? Gross.
- Look at me with all the hot girls that I know. I got them to pose in photos with me, kiss me, or do a photo shoot naked so that you will know how desirable I am. I can’t totally lie, this sometimes does have a weird biological reactive curiosity and can work in some. Most are just skeevy.
- Look at me being a drunk frat boy. Again I do appreciate these and it makes it easier to weed out douches.
- Look at me and my guns. Again, thank you for making this easy.
- Look at me and my fetishes. Appreciate this information also. Left.
- Look at me with the animals I kill. Ummm why? I’m willing to bet 1% of women find this alluring.
- Look at me. I never smile. If you don’t have a single photo where you are smiling, I’m going to assume you’re a giant asshole or you have busted teeth. Either of these are an automatic no.
- Look at me in all of my hats. If you don’t have a single photo that shows your hair, you’re probably hiding it for a reason. Being bald or balding is fine. Hiding it every time you’re out is weird.
- Look at me in this one photo. Pretty much everyone can find one photo where they look half decent. This is evidenced all the time when the first photo is ok and the rest are not. If you only have one pic, that’s a no unless there’s something super compelling in your writing.
If anyone is looking to waste a shitload of time and mental energy on a bunch of strangers, definitely give the apps a try! Let me know your experience and successes! (Edited to add, I’m super smitten kitten over someone so this is way old news. All app accounts deleted and buried!)